The ability to love myself through the bad things I have done, the long journey I have traveled to find who I am, and the love I have grown to have for myself without needing it from others. I love my body and my old ass age, I love the fact I know how to cook and I have many talents that dont take much effort for me. ;)
So I had to write a blog on this because I keep on seeing it happen….
We meet all types of people in life, assholes, creeps, jerks, bitches, hoes, sluts, freaks, and any and everything in between but without knowing it without deeper investigation we also meet their counterparts… the “COOL KIDS” These are the people who go out of their way to be this way because they think its the in thing. Here are my examples;
1. CREEP - The guy that just naturally is a stalker, he lurks on your page, and comments every chance he gets with something to attempt to flatter you and boost your ego… all with an ulterior motive. His counterpart on the other hand will only do this once has a girlfriend or prospective girl friend and may leap into the asshole and jerk categories as well while in the dating scene. (Usually only guys can be creeps in my book, because lets be real, what girl do you know does some creepy shit like that??? - Well I guess one could say groupie, but that involves attempting to fuck for street cred, or social standing… *kanye shrug*)
2. ASSHOLE/BITCH - The guy/girl who just by habit generally dont give a fuck what they say out of their mouth and in may or may not offend you but hey! thats how they feel. (I myself fit into this category sometimes, more so when I was younger, I am working on not being that, lol). Now the counterpart… Hmmm.. How do I word this the counterpart is the person who thinks about the asshole things to say before saying them only because they are trying to be a “bad boy” or a “bad bitch” they dont really feel this way but due to what they think you like or are attracted to, they may fall victim to thinking this is “cool.” How can you tell if they are an asshole by nature, if you really are offended, a real live asshole generally doesnt understand how you are offended, a pretender…they will ask for your forgiveness and may possibly even cry, lol. One must look at the pretenders as the bigger assholes/bitches because really who goes out of their way to say some spiteful shit they know is going to hurt or offend. In my book the pretenders are a bigger turn off then the real thing.
3. HOES/SLUTS - The guy/girl who sleeps around and has no feelings its pure sex and thats it, nothing more, nothing less. They can fuck and its just that, fucking. This person can be single, in a relationship, hell maybe even married, they dont care about anybody really but themselves. Alot of people may go through this as a phase, but through and through they are sluts/hoes at heart, lol. They can embrace the fact that they were one, but when its over, its over. Now… onto the counterpart… these I like to call true fucking sluts/hoes, they only sleep around for what they think its going to get them, a name in the streets, in the social scene or to be “known,” or for some as a security blanket to make them feel more of a “MAN” or “THAT BITCH.” Now you want to know what separates the 2… dun…dun…dun… usually and I do mean usually the one who is now becoming a slut or hoe, usually starts to do such in a later time in life and the spurt usually comes after a break up from a long term relationship, or after one has kids, lol, no disrespect to anybody, lol, but really when somebody who is older in age decides to be a slut or a hoe, its really disgusting, lmao! I mean who waits until everybody has been there, done that to start that!??? Hmmm…. Baffles me…
And finally…
4. FREAKS - This one bothers me the most.. Anybody who is a real freak knows, there is a secret world and its not discussed with the world for sport so much its just stated in general conversation or #twitterafterdark circa ‘09-‘10 anything after that… hmmmm #shade lmao!!!! But one thing most freaks dont do is post on fb!!! lmao!!! FB is like the disney channel for most ppl, especially since ppl can see any and every status you post on, it used to be okay when you could come on late night and delete the post, lmao!! But ugh!!! It cant ever be erased, lol.
But all in all Be you!!!! Hey if you want to be a slut or asshole or freak, or creep by all means be just that. But let it come naturally dont force it to be the “COOL KID.”
Ok… so this was not going to be my next blog, I was actually going to blog about something entirely different, but due to recent events and things I have seen, I have changed focus… so here we go.
It has come to my attention as of recent how hard life is for not just myself but for others as well. We sometimes get to the point of no return where we feel as if nobody understands us and we have no where to run or hide or any place to go for comfort. Even when we have so many hands being held out to help, it feels as if nobody truly hears or understands our pain, our struggle and there is no hope. Its hard enough trying to deal with life when you are on a right path, with things going good. But then throw a wrench into the works and its like you have ripped out a couple of chapters from a book.
I know alot of people attempt to put up a wall and pretend that things are A1 in their life, but do they do this with the “fake it until you make it” mentality, or do they do this to pretend as if they are HUMAN and go through things?? I know for a fact we all at some point in time have reached rock bottom, we all have felt like nothing or nobody could bring us up. But I am as cliche as it sounds here to let you know that I UNDERSTAND! I know what it feels like to be trapped in your own mind or life!
As public as my recent life events have been one would think that I would be easily broken and words would be able to hurt me. But I will say GOD has granted me the strength to wake up in the morning, the joy in my heart to know that he is the one I can count on when times get hard, I have been through nearly any and everything humanly possible that can break and destroy a spirit, a soul, a WOMAN. But all in all I knew that through the grey skies there would be a rainbow there would be a clearer sky then today, and a plethora of opened doors tomorrow. Even now I have my days that arent good, but I look back at where I was just even a year ago and I know that my god is good, I am able to stand on my own two feet again and boy oh boy does it feel good.
I decided to blog about this not to boast or brag like look at me! But to let others know that I UNDERSTAND! I am always an email, a call, a text, a dm or a fb inbox away, my heart is open and big to those who need an ear to talk to, without judging and just to listen. I know what its like to cry yourself to sleep at night and wake up in the morning and have to paint a smile on your face. Because well lets be honest society wasnt made to handle things out of the “happy and normal,” we werent supposed to be unhappy. But thats not true, we all have heartbreak whether we want to admit it or not, we all have gone through things and sometimes we dont share those things with others until its too late. Perhaps if we were more open and willing to be a shoulder to cry on, or even a hot meal just to sit and not say a word to anybody, then the ones we loved or cared about would be more willing to speak to us before things got to intense.
So, basically what I am saying is I AM HERE! And I love you all!!
Ok… so I have been attempting to write this blog for almost a month now, I know, I know..pure laziness, but here I am writing it.. so let me update you on the aspect that are my life. I am going to break them down as alot and I do mean ALOT has happened since last we blogged…
Ok… For one
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! Welcome 2012!!! So for New Years I brought it in with some people I love, my siblings, my younger sis, my older sis, my little bro, a plethora of friends and their significant others.. And at midnight I got the best new years hug from my sisters friend haha, we both didnt have a guy to kiss so we looked at eachother with a blankstare and decided to hug eachother, lol. Then of course everybody proceeded to get drunker then they already were and pass out all over my sister’s house.. good times, good times…
As far as my career is going, I am currently in a career rut, I have a job that it pays the bills and all that.. but thats just it.. it pays my bills, gives me money.. but anybody who knows me knows… I need more from my job, I need a career opportunity.. and growth, perhaps I should seek out opportunities, but I feel as if in this position there is none. But I guess time will tell. I am really feeling as if I want to get back to my makeup passion and love but currently with few reasons to do my makeup, I havent had the urge to do anything with that passion.
Awww now to the good stuff, my family, things are great again with us. I am blessed to have an awesomely big immediate family, 4 sisters, 2 brothers, 2 MARRIED parents, 4 nephew and 2 nieces. Anybody that knows me, knows that for a period of time me and my family had fallen out, we werent speaking and I didnt attend any family functions, or social outings or gatherings, I didnt call them and they didnt call me. And that is not like us at all!!! It killed my whole soul and spirit to not be able to just vent to my siblings about a nigga, about life, about money, about our parents! about any and everything!!! We are close and talk daily, either by email, texts, phone calls, or fb, we can talk about any and everything and I wont say without judging because they do judge to an extent, they judge when I do bad, because they know I can do better and I am better. They let me know when the path they see me going is not one they saw for me and they dont bite their tongues. I would say out of all my siblings my older sister, the one right above me is the one I fear the most I will disappoint, not that I do anything to disappoint her. I always just feel as if nobody I am with and none of my friends will ever be good enough to be around me in her eyes, and honestly thats not a bad thing, I appreciate that about her, because I know the day she approves of a man, will be the day I will know he is the one, lol. I love all my siblings to the death of me, I just know she has a mouth on her, well SMART ASS mouth hahaha. But all in all its good to have our relationships back, they arent perfect but a work in progress. Oh and not to mention while I love all my neices and nephews I am a sucker for the babies and my 3yo nephew has my heart… I love that kid like my own, I am his “”BB”” and I like that. Plus he is a character, he came over my house and dissed my tv, talking about it was small, haha. And then cried at the thought he had to leave my house, he is a mess. haha.
Now to the juicy stuff… MY LOVE LIFE!!! The part anybody reading this was probably waiting for.. Here it is…
THERE IS NONE!!!
lmao!!!
No but for real I really dont have one.. as far as I am not currently dating anybody and currently dont have any prospects, the ones that I did have I decided to let them go as “exclusivity” was no longer on the menu and I refuse to knowingly play 2nd, 3rd or any number fiddle at any point in time. Now I will say there is somebody in my life who I adore and cherish and who feels the same way about me, who is like my bff and we share hopes, dreams, fears, and goals with eachother and neither of us judges. We have came along way but still the road ahead if its one we both choose to go is not going to be easy. We are not in a relationship and never claim to be, thats my friend and i am his. But… there was somebody who I was getting to know, and starting to really like but he fucked that up FAST! lmao All because his old ass wanted to think he was a hot 19 and fast ass, smh!! Basically he got scared of the thought of being in a relationship, so instead of saying anything he decided to show his ass out and thought i would be okay with it, haha! MEN!! But instead I politely told his ass.. You know this is not an obligation, so with that being said.. BYE! BYE! It hurt to do that, because like I said I liked him, I enjoyed his company, time and we had fun together. All in all lets say this.. I have realized my luck with dating and men is horrible, lmao!!! It either goes well and then pop it fizzles or it goes well but goes nowhere, which then again.. I guess you could say its not going anywhere. Perhaps I need more ME time more time to enjoy myself…which I sooo have been doing.. which leads me into my next subject…
My new place!!! Yep! I have finally moved by myself, as crazy as it is at 27, I have never lived alone, I have always lived with roommates or a boyfriend, lol. Its sooo fun to live alone, no kids, no man, no wait!!! OMG!! I am ALONE!!!! Eeek!!! hahaha.. No its fun, I tend to live a pretty boring night life tho. I cook for myself almost every night, light all my candles up in my fireplace and kick back, watch some tv or jump onto pinterest for decorating ideas. Although currently I havent really had a chance to fully engage in decorating ideas, its all coming along, slowly but surely. But I have a wonderful idea for a big picture in my home, I want to get a picture of me and my siblings or family blown up and in black and white or sepia toned and age it a bit to make it look oldschool and then hang it up in my living room or dining room, hmmm… anyways… once i start doing some diy decor things i will be posting them up and sharing for sure!!
Now this leads me to the last couple of things to catch yall up on lets talk about my friendships!!!! They are going good, still growth to go, but hey! every relationship is a work in progress, I have lost some friends along the way and regained friendships that were tarnished and tainted before, and washed away the bad. I also have grown stronger with some friends and all in all have grown stronger within myself. I never was a weak minded person nor was I ever weak, but my nonchalant attitude used to be taken advantage of by people whom i called friends. I am a ride or die friend, I have your back no matter what!! but I wont be talked down to or made to feel less of a person in order to boost your ego! And at one point in time thats what some of my “friends” felt they needed to do. But all in all there are several friends who I have lost touch with who I would like to reach out to and rekindle our..Sismance or perhaps Bra-mance, haha.. but anyways… I miss some of my old friends, not all of them, one of my recent old friends i miss her, and one of my male friends, but most that i miss are childhood friends.
Anyways… lets wrap this long blog up with my future….I have big plans for myself this year, I have alot of short term goals that I need to accomplish; as in pay my fines so I can get my license back, haha, and finish decorating my house; putting my bed together, haha; start graphic work again. And I have alot of long term goals; expand my graphic design business, go back to school for something i love (the reason this is long term; is I need to really sit down and decide what I want to go back to school for, either business, marketing, graphic design, more so administration.), and then I want to also get back into DIY things.. I want to have a craft area in my home eventually that allows me to be free and creative as I want to.
But all in all.. welcome to my new world… welcome, welcome, welcome.. I promise to be more engaged in my blogging and blog fans, and hopefully expand into more things as ideas come in i guess. I have a list of blogs that I want to post so we shall see..
Oh and FYI… I named this blog the emoticons arent for REAL life because as you see in all my blogging I couldnt put an emoticon for half the emotions one would feel at that exact time; we put lol in places where one could laugh but we arent laughing, we put ROFL when we wouldnt dare get on the floor where we are at and ttyl when we have no intention on ever speaking to them again, so like I said :). 0.o, ;0, and all of that dont mean much in the real world of emotions.
So I had to take a long hard look at myself recently and determine what is it that I need to change because all that has been going on in my life lately has put a severe damage in my mind, body, heart and soul. While I have forgave the people who hurt me and am learning to forget what was done. That doesn’t erase the damage that was done nor does it erase the feeling I have of it happening again with somebody new. So I had to really think about my dating situation like this… I am for right now damaged goods with excessive baggage. I accept all that I have been through and it has made me a stone cold heartless person. I attempt to be nice and give people the benefit of doubt on things but I cant anymore. I cant just let things slide like I really want to or always have in the past. The littlest things I snap and nip in the bud, I dont let the oh your friend looks cute or nice go anymore. I cut the guy off, I dont want to deal with that and apart of me feels as if I shouldnt have to. People want to know why I am single and thats it.. I am single because I am scared to be hurt, I am scared to give another my all in all only to be betrayed and disrespected. I have gone to the low of lows and the only place now is up for me. I am trying and I do mean trying to give the thought of love or the thought of really liking somebody a shot, a chance, a try, but its sooo very hard to do such. Its hard to tell somebody you like them, without the feeling in your gut of thinking you are giving them the upperhand to hurt you. I have waited for them to say it first and even then the same feelings arise. Perhaps this feeling is the reason why I cant date because I need to get rid of it first. But how can you remove your fear when you are too terrified to face it again? I put myself out in the world wide web alot of times, not to “tell my business” as people think, but to express my thoughts, fears and doubts, in hope that somebody may have some insight that the people around me have not given, or perhaps in hope that my words touch somebody else. There has to be that one person who isnt afraid to say what they feel good or bad and let people know and I guess thats always been me. *kanye shrug* Regardless I think that for me I have to put dating anybody on hold and be single for awhile to just let things go and move forward with my life. I have got to work through my fears, and my reservations and like I always say for all my heartache, pain, embarrassment and shame, my later will be that much greater. I know that god has something great for me and that is why I keep pressing on and I dont give up, some say I should, I should just be content with being alone because that is what I am destined to be. But I know that isnt what my destiny is. SO… I continue to strive for perfection and keep pressing on.
